Not Again

Well this is certainly more than the jitters.
It seems like its back again and im terrified.
I feel so low and I didnt see it coming this fast...in a huge dilemma about re taking meds.

My main worry is Rosie, freds sister, who is very poorly and has not much time left.
It is maybe the straw that broke the camels back. I knew id been a bit lower than normal but put it down to dark days, Christmas and feeling poorly. I also knew she was poorly but finding out it is this close, especially to christmas, has just put me on my knees.
Obviously the fact that a youngish dog is dying is so painful, I always get upset. This seems out of control though, the grief, I just keep sobbing. Im worried that she's Freds sister and it may be genetic. Im worried that he will get a certain type of cancer(nostril) as i saw it once on telly and its terrified me ever since. Now I listen to him breathe and if its not silent then Im worrying. I keep checking his nose several times a day. I know its bad but I cant help it. Just thinking these thoughts makes me feel like I will bring it on if I dont stop it, but try as I might I cant stop thinking. I feel things are out of my control and it makes me feel powerless.

At the moment I am wondering, do i hang on until this is over, or do I start taking meds now before it gets too out of hand. I havent felt this bad for I dont know how long. I started reading my blog about how it was when I first came off the meds and it certainly wasn't this awful. It feels like it was before i was first put on the meds.

I cannot shut my thoughts up, and Im having flashes again, each one sends me into,or keeps topping up my anxiety so im constantly frightened all day about everything.
I dont want to see people as I dont want to have to pretend and I dont want to concern them, Im not going to the gym if I can help it, Im not getting enough sleep, im feeling nauseas all the time and Im off my food completely....and I know where this ends. So do I cut it off by taking the meds, or do I wait and see and risk getting so low I cant function.

I need to work, both at the ironing, now to pay the loan, and at my course work but if I get too low I wont be able to.
I feel responsible for everything and cant say no.
Harry has been lovely but I just cant be how I feel with him as the damage was done last time and I dont think that memory will ever go.
I dont want my mum and dad to worry either.
Its coming up Christmas which always makes things 10 times worse.
Im going to try and face the day now. I have ironing to do but its snowing again, sick of it, just want everything to go away and I want some peace