Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.
I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.
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