Friday 31 December 2010

New Years Eve

I have to admit to feeling quite weepy today and have got the jitters. Im not really in the mood for celebrating and would rather stay in, but thats not really fair on Harry so we're off to friends. I have said I might not stay to new year so we'll see.
Scott is off to the pub and staying the night so am concerned about that. Just hope he's sensible.

Dinner for tomorrow is in hand, well the stew is cooked, all the veg etc is frozen so that should be ok.

Ah well. Will see what my next post is like.

Wednesday 29 December 2010

Drudge

Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.

I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.

Tuesday 28 December 2010

Flat

Well Im back on full dose meds, and its making me feel so flat. Its so hard to adjust to, I am still upset about Rosie and Im still terrified that something will happen to my Freddie and Im also terrified that if anything does then it will send me completely over the edge.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.

Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.

Im off to try and do a little more.

Sunday 26 December 2010

Not so good still

If im brutally honest things are pants, big bridget jones ones.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.

Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.

Friday 24 December 2010

nothing

Im feeling nothing other than anger.
Ive lost my sense of perspective
Im wanting tomorrow to be done but then I realise that wishing the time away, for some, is not right.
The moon and the weather is still bothering me.
My thoughts come quieter with less force and I am both grateful and guilty.
I see no point in much at this time.
I need to study but just cant.
People are texting me and I dont want to answer.
There are presents under the tree but it feels wrong
This Christmas doesnt warrant celebration.

Monday 20 December 2010

Foggy headed

Well i took half a 45 mg tablet last night and while i slept like a log, i cannot wake up this morning.

I have got up and done all the jobs i could do as Harry got the car, and im not really in a condition to drive yet.
Ive done tea, its in the oven, and i ve walked boys.
All whilst I feel completely numb and groggy.

Im still so scared of everything, i still am having the runaway thoughts, but I cannot react to them and feel so guilty that im not.

Im so tired and feel like I cant think straight.
I keep worrying that Im losing control of me and Im going to end up in a heap on the floor and wont be able to function.

I know its because of how Im feeling, and I know the tablets do help with this, but i can remember from when I started taking them last time, that they frighten me. Well the side effects do. Im not bothered about being on the medication just getting through the settling down period when Im in two minds to keep on them or stop them.

I know I need them, but im not sure i can stick at it. All of this unable to decide is a symptom but its so hard.

Sunday 19 December 2010

Ah well

Well after another horrible day I have decided to go back on the meds for the time being.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.

I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.

I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.

I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.

I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much

Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.

Not Again

Well this is certainly more than the jitters.
It seems like its back again and im terrified.
I feel so low and I didnt see it coming this fast...in a huge dilemma about re taking meds.

My main worry is Rosie, freds sister, who is very poorly and has not much time left.
It is maybe the straw that broke the camels back. I knew id been a bit lower than normal but put it down to dark days, Christmas and feeling poorly. I also knew she was poorly but finding out it is this close, especially to christmas, has just put me on my knees.
Obviously the fact that a youngish dog is dying is so painful, I always get upset. This seems out of control though, the grief, I just keep sobbing. Im worried that she's Freds sister and it may be genetic. Im worried that he will get a certain type of cancer(nostril) as i saw it once on telly and its terrified me ever since. Now I listen to him breathe and if its not silent then Im worrying. I keep checking his nose several times a day. I know its bad but I cant help it. Just thinking these thoughts makes me feel like I will bring it on if I dont stop it, but try as I might I cant stop thinking. I feel things are out of my control and it makes me feel powerless.

At the moment I am wondering, do i hang on until this is over, or do I start taking meds now before it gets too out of hand. I havent felt this bad for I dont know how long. I started reading my blog about how it was when I first came off the meds and it certainly wasn't this awful. It feels like it was before i was first put on the meds.

I cannot shut my thoughts up, and Im having flashes again, each one sends me into,or keeps topping up my anxiety so im constantly frightened all day about everything.
I dont want to see people as I dont want to have to pretend and I dont want to concern them, Im not going to the gym if I can help it, Im not getting enough sleep, im feeling nauseas all the time and Im off my food completely....and I know where this ends. So do I cut it off by taking the meds, or do I wait and see and risk getting so low I cant function.

I need to work, both at the ironing, now to pay the loan, and at my course work but if I get too low I wont be able to.
I feel responsible for everything and cant say no.
Harry has been lovely but I just cant be how I feel with him as the damage was done last time and I dont think that memory will ever go.
I dont want my mum and dad to worry either.
Its coming up Christmas which always makes things 10 times worse.
Im going to try and face the day now. I have ironing to do but its snowing again, sick of it, just want everything to go away and I want some peace

Friday 17 December 2010

A week

Well Ive not posted for a week. What a shit week. Since going to Boston i feel really run down and not very good.
Im seriously tired, not sleeping well, the usual waking up and struggling to go back to sleep. Thoughts take over.
I feel rough, sick mainly but headache and stiff ect.
Have no motivation to do anything, have got up and gone for a run once this week, no gym, not much course work....i just feel like running away, if i had the energy.
Feel extremely sad about things, especilally Freds sister Rosie who is so poorly at the moment and is maybe only going to see Christmas. She's only 7 and such a lovely natured thing, it just seems so unfair. Im crying all the time about it. Worried what shes feeling, what her family are going through, it just hurts. My friends dog has now got a tumor which needs difficult surgery so thats another worry, I worry about fred getting it....All thesethoughts wont stop, just like before when i got muddled up in it all.
On top of that, My Uncle is in hospital which concerns me a great deal. He's in his seventiesbut in my mind he's the big strong 50 yearold from my childhood......I see everthing changing and getting older and it scares me so much. Its all going so fast I want it and my constant worries to stop

Friday 10 December 2010

erm

Well after my last post of saying I havent had an anxiety attack for a while, i have had a couple of wobbly days.
Yesterday I went to visit pennys mum in hospital. They always make me jittery but the lifts were horrible. Crowded and had to go up to eighth floor stopping at most of them.
Feel a bit crappy anyway, nausea and stomach upset.
Anyway its done.
Today feel similar although not as bad. Scott on way home, business class jammy bugger.

Monday 6 December 2010

Crappy time

Feeling sad.
Had a major row with Harry and now dont know where we're going and if its together.
Ive been very crabby, pmt, bad back and groin pain and yesterday feeling poorly but with loads of work to do.
Harry been odd....distant and snappy...flashback to the horrible time.
im very wobbly and with no out let for my anxiety thanks to back pain and not been able to run.

I think im going to chance it at lunch and pop to gym for a quick on treadmill. Cant hurt any more than it does already and Id rather be out  of the house while Harry is here.

Course work, well im about to start the poetry part of my assignment and im not holding out much hope of  understanding the poem let alone writing a concise assignment on it. Just have to do my best, its only a small assignment and it doesnt count greatly towards my end result but i will really make an effort to " get it ".

Plato im not bothering with anymore...the forum just seems an outlet to show off anyway and im too preoccupied. Tomorrow is my next tutorial but im not in the mood regardless of how much I need this particular one as its on Poetry.

Tonight im supposed to be at Alex's birthday party, will just have to get it together.

Hope the day ends better than it began.

Thursday 2 December 2010

ok

Well things seem to be going ok, to be honest Ive not had may anxiety attacks since coming off meds.
I do have runaway thoughts which i am trying to rationalise, but when things hurt all the time my mind gets carried away and invents the worst case scenario.

Lately thanks to the painkillers i have had trouble going to the loo, thanks to laxatives things seem to be moving at last but for 2 weeks I imagined I had bowel cancer because of the change in bowel habits.
There is always some rational thinking behind each fear which doesnt help, bowel habits have changed since coming off meds, going from mad dashes to loo and IBS symptoms to rabbit droppings, so thats where that fear has come from.

Also the back and groin pain are driving me crazy, and the inability to exercise. I know that doing it is only going to prolonge the pain and inflammation but I need to run....its my biggest acheivement and I dont want to give it up.

Am going to be sensible and go to the docs next week when weather is a little friendlier.

Course work is up and down....am well ahead in my study which helps to feel in control but having read a couple of chapters in Book 2, Plato and Poetry, i feel out of my depth and that i'll never understand it.
Luckily the history chapters are brilliant and right up my street but I still feel Im not going to have the intelligence to do this......tutorial next week if the roads are passable so that may bolster my confidence.

life is content apart from pain

Thursday 25 November 2010

Still ok

Well Im still doing ok. That is apart from bad back and strong painkillers.....dont like some of the effects but so desperate.

No real panics and no downers inspite of it being a full moon.
Course going ok.

Am eager to get back into exercising but am trying to be patient.

Saturday 20 November 2010

Wow

Well its been just over a week since i posted last. Have just re read my last pot and it was a real downer.

Apart from bad back and terrible constipation, things are ok.

Scott got to Australia and I was fine, no panics....in fact no panics for a while.

Got assignment results back, 68%, would have cared for more, but justified result.
Have done tma 02 and started tma03 and am in front with my reading, Tma03 is a bit harder or it maybe I have no confidence in my abilities.

Will keep plodding away.

Friday 12 November 2010

up and down

Better day yesterday, well it was until my side started hurting...again!

Had the bright idea Id grab a quick run at the gym. Felt side twinge when I was running but as usual I ignored it and it did go away, but last night and today its burning like hell.

im not as jittery today but have absolutely no patience. Shouting at the dogs like a fish wife, had a moan at Scott inspite of it being his birthday and him jetting off to Oz next week.
Im sure the pain and the jitters about him going aren't helping my intolerence of everything.

I am getting increasingly pissed off with lack of consideration for others, not in me, in strangers. Drivers blocking roads, taxi drivers, litter droppers etc......I could just blow my top.

Have tried to study but have lost confidence and motivation. Tried to answer an assignment question but have no idea if Im on the right path as the first one isnt back yet and wont be for another week....god knows why, most of the other groups have had theirs and are working on the re writes.

Just had to answer the door, thought it was a delivery, which would have been fine, but it turned out to be scrap dealer.....if it had been the local Joh bo's they would have been given a right rounf of fuck's. i hate being made to answer the door when Im doing something just for them...Piss off and stop shoving your beliefs down other peoples throats... I dont go to their house and disturb them...

Ah Im ranting but I really want to just say Fuck Off to everything today!

Thursday 11 November 2010

Maybe a bit better day

Yesterday was hell. I dont know if it was the worst day since coming off the tablets but its definatelty in the running.
Cant understand how bad it was. Felt so out of control and thought I may go crazy,,,jees really scary

Had a better nights sleep and do feel a bit calmer.
Weather is completely rubbish, dark very windy and raining.
Off to the smoke so once that is done I'll be happier.

Have started on Vit D and HTP so maybe they will help but not for a while eh same old same old.

Went to gym last night and did good workout which usually really lifts me...didnt have big effect last night but glad I went and did it.
See how today pans out

Wednesday 10 November 2010

Not too clever

Well Im quite low and very jittery today. Could just cry or shout and yell at the drop of a hat. Am jumping out of my skin and I feel like being on my own and shutting everything out.

Slept rubbish last night and have been really run down lately and what with the dark miserable weather on top I think its getting to me.

First reaction is to run back to the meds as I am so scared of slipping back too far.

Am going to see if the days get a bit better, am also off to get some Vit D and HTP as ive read they help lift mood. Worth a try.

Monday 8 November 2010

Bad Day

Dont know why but feel ovewhelmed and down today.

Am so fed up with feeling crappy, ths lurgy thing hasnt quite gone and Im worn out. Side and back is herting and nast headache again.oh woe is me....

Ah well tomorrow will be better.

Friday 5 November 2010

oh oh

Bit of a bad day jitter wise.

Still feel crap, sneezing, headache. so very tired and nausea.

Still worrying before I have anything to worry about and still feeel I should be there to help people close to me regardless of the cost to me.
Still worried about the cost to me instead of just helping people

Prue is waiting for her lovely Daisy to have her first litter of pups and it looks like it will be a middle of the night job. After last time I hate to think of Prue going through it on her own but too worried about the anxiety to offer to be there and so feel shit about myself.

Also sad about Rosie and wish I could help but just feel awful her family are going through this sadness, or will be.

These things just upset and worry me so much I feel like I am never going to be strong again enough to deal with what life throws at me.

Thursday 4 November 2010

so far so good

Well im not posting as much so that either means Im good or really bad, and at the mo Im good.
Well apart from this damn lurgy which wont quite go, Ive had headache for the best part of a week and its making me mardy.

Am still having the scarey thoughts but am still trying to ignore them.
Not been to Drs yet bout lack of weight loss.
Still extremely tired.

Monday 1 November 2010

Jitters

Well just lately things have been fine. Dealing with most things ok.
This week is the time of the month and my thoughts have gone daft again....worried that horrible things will happen to those close to me and feel I have to warn them to make them more careful.

I havent given in this time and told anyone, I am trying to let it sort itself out. I know im always looking for worst case synarios and I always feel that if something good is happening then something bad is gonna follow it so Im not to get happy. Weird.

Feel greasy and bloated. No weight loss. Going to get Docs app this week. At physio tomorrow as back is a bit of a sod at the mo.

Tuesday 26 October 2010

Still doing ok

Well I think its now been 5 weeks off the med and so far things have settled.
Still dont do great when Im porly, had the lurgy for the past few days and get so impatient its not getting better as fast as I want.
Its also been a full moon, and while Harry laughs at me, im sure it does affect me.

Still very short tempered and

No Feckin Weight Loss.
Driving me mad, am seeing the doc nect week.

Thursday 21 October 2010

UUUrgh

Got the lurgy
Started with migraine at 3 in the morning.
Carried on all day
Now think its Sinusitis and this rubbish that is going round.

Have walked the dogs today but not gone to Sylvia's. Havent done any Cézanne work and need to get on.

Jitters not too bad. Certainly improved from a week ago...am going to stick with it...still no weight loss though. Will have to go back to Docs about that.

Sunday 17 October 2010

Up and down

Well the weekend hasn't been too bad at all apart from a bit of a blip today.

I am sleeping better which is a relief.

Im also getting into a rage very quickly, similar to pmt.
Today I thought all was ok but this afternoon I got a bit down and tearful.
Ah well, its still going better

Friday 15 October 2010

good day

Another good day, no jitters no worries

Went for run,
Didnt go to gym as very tired but went to pub.
things going well

Wednesday 13 October 2010

Much better

Wow just read last post from 3 days ago and its hard to remember how rubbish I felt.

The days have been getting better since then....and today was the best so far. I really think having the first tutorial hanging over me was playing on my mind more than I kew.

It was hard though, all yesterday I was so nervous and in 2 minds whether to go. Even sat in the car in the car park I didnt want to go in but Harry made me and came with me and waited in the reception until we went in. Even for around 20mins into class I wanted to walk out but i knew Id have to wait another 20 mins for harry to come back. Anyway I got talking to some of the others in the group and things settled down. I enjoyed it in the end

It also proved to me that I can do this anxiety thing without the meds, its just the thought of getting low which is scarey as boy is that so hard to deal with.

The assignment i need to get on with as I am stressing myself out about not being able to do it. It will probably be on Friday as Im busy tomorrow.

One thing Im excited about is weight training. Have spoken to one of the instructors at gym and he is really encouraging about seeing how far I can go with it....something to work towards.

Things are better than ok at the mo.

Sunday 10 October 2010

low

Yesterday is forgotten
Today is bad.
Cant understand why though.
Very low, very jumpy,very sad, for most of the day.
Rest of the day okish but flashes of the rubbish

Ah well i hope tomorrow is good but if not Im going to go for a run

Best part of day was the gym, although now I seem to have the lurgy. maybe that is why day has been rubbish, coming down with something

Saturday 9 October 2010

Different

What a difference a day makes.

Things are so much better today.

No jitters, no upset or low mood

Walked the dogs, been for a run, done the shopping, been to BF.

Now at home and its all going well.

Thursday 7 October 2010

Black day/then better

Today has been rubbish for the most part.
Felt really black moods and extreme thoughts and fears
Weepy and short tempered too.

Went for a run this afternoon and its all gone.....what a relief.

Need to give coming off the meds more time to get out of my system and understand that if running makes the symptoms go away then theyre only temporary and not forever.

Wednesday 6 October 2010

Wobbly

The last few days have been a bit wobbly, nothing major just there in the background.

I must admit Im knackered but I think its more to do with bad back waking me than lack of meds.

Ive no energy for anything and I am a bit low but the weather has been really dark and that always makes me feel low.

Bit snappy as well.

I am getting intense thoughts that get to me, usually concerns over others, but I am making a big effort to talk myself out of them and get them into perspective.

Going to gym tonight so hopefully that will boost mood.

Sunday 3 October 2010

Ok day

Today went ok, no jitters to speak of.

Got the ironing done today instead of tomorrow which is great but part of me still begrudges not having Sunday to myself. Have to remember that I get time in the week and Im going to need that for my study so should really not let it get to me.

Things seem to have calmed down side effect wise and I feel more on an even keel apart from the snappiness and flashes of temper.

Still no weithloss though. Will give it another week and then get to the doc to see if the pcos is behind it.

Study day tomorrow

Saturday 2 October 2010

Better

In all honesty the last 2 days have been fairly good.

Have had some jitters but they had a reason and weren't out of the blue.
Yesterday morning it was because of us all getting together after the fall out but it went fine.
Today we went to Grimsby and Im not feeling 100% and that always brings the jitters on.

Im still snappy but not so teary. I feel happier as well.

I think its 2 weeks since I took my last tablet.

Thursday 30 September 2010

Better mk 2

Today isn't so bad at all.

The sun is shining

Have managed to get a run done

No work this afternoon.

Jitters on the back burner, always a dread they reappear.

The weather has made massive change but tomorrow its gonna rain,,,,boo hoo

Bit better

Woke up and didn't feel as bad as yesterday, although didnt sleep that well.

The day is better, the sun is shining and the jitters are at a minimum.

Have walked the boys, we never did yesterday, i couldnt face it and was going with Harry when he got home but the weather was terrible so didn't go in the end
Went to gym but no good, was tired, ached, and had no plan. Just thought it would help settle me. Didnt

Today is another day so lets see how it goes.

Wednesday 29 September 2010

Flay

Today been rubbish, no let up.

Feel really flat and have lost my mtivation, for course, for gym, for staying off tablets.
It all feels very hard and I know I shouldn't give up and I dont want to but without knowing if this will pass then its bloody hard.

Think I need to be kinder to myself and just keep going as long as I can.

Again

Another wobbly start to the day. No let up yet.

I have been shopping and for a run and done the ironing but didn't want to do any of it.
Feel really tearful, short tempered and I could jump out of my skin.

Wish I knew if this was temporary.

Need to give it another week.

Tuesday 28 September 2010

Worst day

This has been the hardest day so far.

Im starting to wake very jittery and it stays with me, today Ive even had the scary thoughts which send the anxiety levels shooting up. Im also very jumpy and easily upset.

Im in a dilemma, do I continue to stay off meds in the hope that this wears off, only been off meds completely a week, or do I run back to the meds.

The one thing I just cannot bear to come back is the scary thoughts, worries about bad things happening to those I love and I need to make sure they are all ok and safe because if anything happens to them it will be my fault and I wont be able to cope.

Can I get help to overcome this problem without resorting to the meds?

I also think I have aproblem with my hormones. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome but nothing too terrible. Just lately Ive noticed changes, hair is greasy, getting more spots, not able to lose weight( early days with that). I need to get it sorted but feel a bit to wobbly at the mo.

Have managed to get ironing done, do shopping, go to physio and go to shops with Penny but when these falshes happen it ruins what im doing.

Need to get it sorted.

Monday 27 September 2010

Wobbly

Had more of a wobbly day today.
Maybe its something that has to get out of my system
Am waking up with the bad jitters but it does wear off after lunch.

Physio tomorrow so i hope the jitters back off a bit.

Sunday 26 September 2010

Bit of a wobble

Today Ive felt rubbish, im not putting it all down to coming off tabs, i think I feel rubbish anyway, but feeling rubbish brings on the jitters and I usually don't have enough perspective and feel Im always going to feel this bad.

Got some ironing done
Had a visit which went fine so Im pleased.
Now just want to sit down and chill

Saturday 25 September 2010

Better Day

Today not been bad although I did feel a couple of thoughts start to race a bit.
So far I have shut them down but I hope they don't come back too often

I think its because I read peoples experiences coming of Mirtazapine and they were a bit scarey.
The most worrying was that some people seem to have a bit of a dip 4 weeks after no medication.
Some have no symtoms of withdrawl at all and I must admit mine are nothing compare to some of the horrors Ive read.

I think exercise is helping although i feel extremely tired and cold most of the time when Im not exerciseing..doesn't help that the weather has turned decidedly Autumnal and getting out into the fresh air is hard work.

Im hoping the course will be a distraction rather than a burden, it feels exciting at the mo but its not officially started yet.

No weight loss as yet.

Im going to try and remember that even on the meds i still had anxiety and racing thoughts so I can cope on my own....apart from the lack of sleep in the night and the tiredness in the day.

Friday 24 September 2010

Ends better than the start

Well today ended on a better note.

It did get worse before that though but I now feel more optamistic of a positive outcome.

Morale of the day, a bad morning doesn't mean a bad day.

Oh and i even went to Spinning on my own,
Im using fitness and exercise to help with any jitters and I read an article which says being fitter and more active lessens the likelehood of attacks and shortens the ones you do get.

No bloody weight loss yet.

Crap

Today is crap, weather horrible and so is the day.

Crying most of morning and scared Im not coping thanks to fall out with friend.

Feel powerless

Thursday 23 September 2010

day is done

Well got through today.
Tooth is in just hope it stays in, dentist was fine no panics
Didn't have Alex so didn't have school run

Went to gym and did bootcamp with Liz and it was hard but no panic.

Now Ive just been sorting out future OU courses and have got a bit ahead of myself so will leave that

Tomorrow is starting to pray on my mind.
Miss the Dude and know there will be tears
Am wondering if Cheryl will climb down off her high horse and wish me Happy Birthday, don't know what itll mean for friendship if she doesn't. She still hasn't replied to my text and part of me thinks fuck it then.

Anyway am definately running tomorrow, hopefully outside abut weather looking rubbish so may nip up to gym.

Hope I can sleep tonight

Wobbly today

Just a quick post.

Feel wobbly today, got several things I have to do today including the dentist and looking after Goddaughter but I think the main reason is I had a bit of a row with a good friend last night and Im still feeling the effects.

I guess i need to deal with these everyday things but always a bit scared I wont cope which is daft as things have been going well so far. Even when I was taking the tablets these things would have made me feel wobbly so I need to just get on with things, they usually resolve themselves anyway.

Post later.

Wednesday 22 September 2010

Better night

Slept quite a bit better last night than the previous one, maybe cos I was knackered and maybe cos I wasn't as concerned about Harrys knee.

Today has been a bit of a low level jitter, nothing like the full blown ones but there in the background.
Had quite a lot to do today and felt a bit overwhelmed.

Decided to take boys on my run today and kill two birds with one stone. It was ok, had to stop a couple of times for various reasons ans the calf stiffness was there alittle bit but got it done.

Two lots of ironing this morning and shopping and two lots of ironing this afternoon and housework. Im quite tired and havent looked at my books for that reason, but also don't want to get to a bit I find beyond me at this stage and get put off.

Still taking the Ab's and they make me feel so sick so Im not taking another until after we get home tonight after takeaway at Trouts, another little reason for the jitter Im sure. Will be fine though.

Side effects seem not bad, sweating there still but not excessively and very tired.

Tuesday 21 September 2010

Sleep please

Well last night was my second off meds and i just couldn't go to sleep. not even tired.

Im not sure if its just the lack of meds, I certainly have a little pmt and it was a full moon, noticed that at half one this morning as I was wondering back from the bathroom. I also think Im a little excited about the course.

Today I found i sweat quite easily and felt knackered.
Was anxious about Harrys knee and tend to get a bit defensive and cross when Im anxious and he's not always helpful.

Been to see doc and and got him sorted so now not worried.

Had headache but not as fuzzy and certainly more awake in the morning.

Going for a run tomorrow morning and then to eat with friends tomorrow night. xx

Monday 20 September 2010

Ok day

Have decided no to take my last dose as Im fed up with the side effects one day and none the next, plus the side effects are stronger as the drug isn't at equal levels every day.

This will be the second night in a row.

I have some bad moods but think it may be pmt

Bit fuzzy

Studying is going ok so far so am looking forward to that.

Sunday 19 September 2010

Getting better

Well its been a few days on half dose/none and I now only have one tablet left before I stop all together.

I am nervous and looking forward to it as alternating the dose means I have stronger side effects. Today I feel really muggy headed as I had half a tablet last night, but I did get more sleep.

On the mornings after I had no meds i feel bit jittery but clearer headed but sleep is broken.

I am currently getting ready for my new OU course and am nervous about that, attending tutorials may be hard. Am meeting new people online to do with the course and its good but scarey.

Have been sent to a new website regarding Anxiety and coping so will certainly look for any help there.

Im carrying on regardless

Wednesday 15 September 2010

Not a brilliant day

Today has been the worst day so far and I don't know what is responsible.
It could be the thought of starting the half tablet/no tablet week
It could be this UTI or whatever it is
It could be hormonal, the pcos playing up
It could be the reduced dose finally catching up
It could be the thought of going it alone without the safety net of the meds

Anyway looking on the positive side has been decidedly more difficult today but I will try my best to keep seeing the positive even if i don't feel it.

You know what they say " fake it til you make it"

I need to ignore the fear as it will only be temporary, and to take control of the things I can and just accept the things I cannot control, difficult for a control freak but I will try.

Anyway have managed to look into Uni course and have tried to get a bit done before it starts so feel positive about that.

Tonight is the first night of no meds so will post tomorrow, hope to get a nights sleep but its been affected a bit.

Tuesday 14 September 2010

Bad morning

Well today has been the worst so far and by worst I mean i feel rough and a bit jittery and fuzzy headed again but im not 100% that its the reduced dose.

Im not sure where I am in my monthly cycle as because of the PCOS i take the pill for 3 months at a time before having a break. I must say things feel like the time of the month, so tired and achey and snappy. Doesn't help that I also have a Urine Infection and am taking AB's which come with built in nausea.

In spite of this I have wlaked the dogs, done the housework, looked at my course stuff and hopefully downloaded some of that onto Ipod.

Head feels a bit cleare as the morning wears on and I am trying my best to keep the worry in perspective telling myself that this too will passs and to just stick at it.
xx

Monday 13 September 2010

Monday 13th

Well its still going ok, had a few jitters but low level ones, still got bit of headache but its less so and legs not so achey.

Im surprised how calm things are. In fact I seem to be having less big episodes of the jitters and the ones I have Im trying very hard to chill out about which seems to work

Ive just started on Anti Biotics for a UTI so hopefully they don't affect things but I am really itchy when Ive taken them.

I have tonight and tomorrow on half a tablet then I go to taking half a tablet every other night for a week then Im off them.

Im really excited about coming off them and feel positive.

Friday 10 September 2010

Half dose

Decided to stay on half dose for a week rather than keep spiking my levels by taking a full one every 2 night so Im hoping its going to be managable.

Today I really felt the s.e.'s. Woke up at 5am but went straight back to sleep. When I did get up I was a bit jittery and fuzzy and banging head and nausea so I cancelled my run. My legs are hurting so much but I really think its the tablets. All the time Ive been on them, every so often I would go to bed and my legs would ache like I had the flu. Quite severe ache, and today  has been similar, tendons and calves feel so stiff and inflexible which is why I cancelled run.

Then I decided just to give it a go, I knew it was going to be a short easy run. Turned out to be the best thing I could have done. The run its self went well, legs a bit stiff but not enough to matter. Jitters went away and I felt positive again.

Had worries about dad driving to Lincoln and the old thoughts that if I didn't take him something terrible would happen surfaced but the run and ignoring it really worked

Later went to spinning class with Trout. Not that keen on spinning but its good for fitness and will help with running. Felt crap before I went but even though it was challenging it was better than last week and im so glad to spend time with her as I really miss that.

Tonight was sad as it was the dude's birthday and I thought it was tomorrow so we didn't have a cake like we usually do. Few tears but thats ok.

Now on half dose for another 4 nights and then im undecided wether to stop or taper for another week. Will see how its going but at the mo Im positive I can do this

Thursday 9 September 2010

Bit funny today

Must admit I feel a bit fuzzy today.
Last night was the second night on half tablet, tonight is a full one.

Feel a bit headachy and knackered and jsut fuzzy headed. Dont know if its the dose but think it may be.
Im trying to think that one jippy day isn't a reason not to try. So am gonna keep with it.

Tuesday 7 September 2010

Good day so far

Last full tablet for 3 nights and things are going ok.

Drove 13 miles to physo app and did large supermarket shop with no jitters.

Have read up on side effects of coming off meds so I am expecting some, headache and jitters but hoping I can stick it out until they fade, if they appear at all....seem to be on a positive streak at mo. I think coming off slowly helps reduce s.e and even on the meds I still had todeal with the jitters so who knows I may be great.

Dentist tomorrow which Im sure I will be nervous about but who isn't?

Monday 6 September 2010

Not too bad

Half tablet last night and today has not been too bad, lots of ironing done and took back but on the whole a good day

Tomorrow Im at physio so ther maybe some jitters there but will have to deal with it.

Hopefully get a run in tomorrow but depends on weather, Im at gym tomorrow night so will get on treadmill if cant run outside.

So far so good

Sunday 5 September 2010

Jittery

Dont know if its psycological but do feel a bit more jittery but not sure if its any more than usual this time of month or side effects.

Full tablet last night and I do feel a bit hungover this morning but managed to get out for my long run of the week. Had little jitters on part of run but got round it.

Will post again either later or tomorrow

Saturday 4 September 2010

Jitters

Yesterday was a bit jittery but no apparent reason, I don't think its reducing the tablets just yet, just one of those days.

Got very wobbly after spinning class and really wanted to come home but stayed and it runed ok so pat on the back for me.

was very tired last night so had early night but dont think I slept too well, it was a half tablet night but don't know if that had anything to do with it.
.
This morning i feel ok, more awake, but headache and stiff neck due to not removeing enough pillows.

Had a few wobbles about coming off them which im sure is bound to happen, but gotta give it my best try and If Im honest Im a bit excited at the thought of being off them.

Thursday 2 September 2010

Day 2

This has been my first day on hald dose mirtazapine and so far all ok.

Its hard to know so soon if things will be ok but Im keeping fingers crossed.

As I take my dose at night as it makes me sleepy then the only thing I noticed today was I felt more awake quicker this morning. I also slept fine.

Got a bit jittery today but we did go to the pictures and that tends to make me like that, didn't have to leave so cant really say it was bad.

Been eating my head off today and am hoping that stops when Im off meds as Im so fed up with the weight....its the main reason Im trying to come off them.

Full tablet tonight as Im sticking to alternating half and full doses for the first week.

Wednesday 1 September 2010

First night on half dose

Today is the first time I am reducing the odse of mirtazapine with the hope of comng off completely within a month.

I have been on these tablets for 28 months and they have worked in the capacity they were prescribed for, namely anxiety symptoms. They also helped with reducing the catastrophic thinking. Neither has gone completely but I feel that life is much more balanced and it is time to try and cope without medication.

The main reason prompting me to do this is the weight gain of around 20 pounds to the 13 stone I am now, inspite of all the exercise I do. Run 3 times a week and gym work 4 times a week as well as walking the hounds every day.

I am currently taking 45 mg pd and Doc has advised me to take half a tablet every other night for a week and then for 2 night to one full one for another week and then down to half for a week and then stop.

I am concerned with the withdrawl symptoms and Im hoping they aren't bad enough to stop me trying.

There is nothing too bad coming up to get stressed about apart from dentist but Im still anxious even on medication so it isn't going to make too much different hopefully and the exercise should really help.

Tonight is the first night.