Ah well

Well after another horrible day I have decided to go back on the meds for the time being.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.

I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.

I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.

I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.

I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much

Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.