Wednesday, 27 April 2011


Its been so long since I last posted..3 months. Im only posting tday because Im feeling crappy.
The course is nearly at an end, on my last assignment, and the new course materials came today. Im feeling nervous about both, the ema because Im really enjoying it and want to get a really good mark. The new course because its not something Ive ever studied, Archaeology, and Im nervous. I dont want to start reading until Ive at least got a rough draft for this ema, and I seem to be stalling about sitting down and writing it in case I cant do it.

Im starting or should I say re starting Slimming World tomorrow night and given how Im feeling at the mo, its not going to be enjoyable.

Ive also got to take Mum and Dad to their friends on Friday as theyre going off on a Norwegian Cruise for 6 days. Im worried about getting panicky and risking letting them down. Thats a major issue for me, committing myself to something and then getting bad so I cant do it and letting everyone down.

Then Harry has booked next week off and I know he'll want to go places and to be honest Im dreading it, the state Im in. I dont feel that me being how I am is totally accepted by anyone. No one understands how terrible they are and how out of control they get. I just dont know how to deal with it all. I cant face days of feeling like this.

I have my first cbt session next week, am hoping it helps.

Need to go.

Monday, 24 January 2011

A long time

Well I cant believe its been so long since I posted. Things are more level, but Im still worrying about things.
I think of Rosie most days, they lost her on New Years Eve. They took a puppy which I hope has helped with their big loss. I thank god every day nearly for all I have. I have been worried about Fred. He has been acting really strange lately, Im not sure if there is a girley around in season. It doesnt affect Boo the same.
The ou is ok, last assignment mark was 71%. This one is proving to be really hard to write, and its history so its right up my street, what Ive written today is a lot. I have done well today. I need to go back over it and ask myself how my reply answers the question, to see if I can tidy it up. Then the references and the Biblio.
Tomorrow Im hoping to get outside for a run, weather permitting, and I need to get a gp appointment to review meds but I hate going.
Today I had a rethink about the car...I think instead of I want, I need to think what we can have with what we can afford and not be so greedy.
Gym tonight, chest and back, not too bad. Eaten too much rubbish lately. Need to either go to a group, or try really hard at home

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


things have settled a bit- and I dont know how to feel about it.

I was so worked up about Rosie since we found out her news and since she died things have settled. I dont want to feel settled about it, its a terrible, sad thing and I want to mourn her. Im still worried about Fred.

I hate this stage of swinging inbetween up and down Still not quite finished assignment.Not confident about the subject and feel like Im blagging my way through it. Know that a pass is 40% and i'll probably get that but I wanted to apply myself. Just getting through.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

It happened

Well poor Rosie died yesterday. Bless her and her family, gone too soon like so many.
We were out at friends when I got the message. I was only there out of duty, I wanted to stay at home as I'd felt strange all day. I didnt say anything but we came home around 11 that night to get settled before the New years Eve fireworks and I read the full message then. Few tears but the tablets are stopping most of my reaction.
Woke up this morning feeling calmer, I know the family will be so upset now but I found out they decided to have one of crazy Daisys pups, a boy this time, so Im sure he will bring a little light into their dark moments.

The family came for dinner which was fine, I just dont do great around company at the mo.
Well tonight Ive been using new laptop to sort out course work as I will have lots of ironing this week and ive got to send it by the 7th. First part done, second and hardest part rough draft but wont get to look at it for a couple of days.

Fred still concerns me and Im sure will continue to do so, I cant help it.
Off to settle down for the night.

Friday, 31 December 2010

New Years Eve

I have to admit to feeling quite weepy today and have got the jitters. Im not really in the mood for celebrating and would rather stay in, but thats not really fair on Harry so we're off to friends. I have said I might not stay to new year so we'll see.
Scott is off to the pub and staying the night so am concerned about that. Just hope he's sensible.

Dinner for tomorrow is in hand, well the stew is cooked, all the veg etc is frozen so that should be ok.

Ah well. Will see what my next post is like.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010


Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.

I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.

Tuesday, 28 December 2010


Well Im back on full dose meds, and its making me feel so flat. Its so hard to adjust to, I am still upset about Rosie and Im still terrified that something will happen to my Freddie and Im also terrified that if anything does then it will send me completely over the edge.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.

Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.

Im off to try and do a little more.