A long time

Well I cant believe its been so long since I posted. Things are more level, but Im still worrying about things.
I think of Rosie most days, they lost her on New Years Eve. They took a puppy which I hope has helped with their big loss. I thank god every day nearly for all I have. I have been worried about Fred. He has been acting really strange lately, Im not sure if there is a girley around in season. It doesnt affect Boo the same.
The ou is ok, last assignment mark was 71%. This one is proving to be really hard to write, and its history so its right up my street, what Ive written today is a lot. I have done well today. I need to go back over it and ask myself how my reply answers the question, to see if I can tidy it up. Then the references and the Biblio.
Tomorrow Im hoping to get outside for a run, weather permitting, and I need to get a gp appointment to review meds but I hate going.
Today I had a rethink about the car...I think instead of I want, I need to think what we can have with what we can afford and not be so greedy.
Gym tonight, chest and back, not too bad. Eaten too much rubbish lately. Need to either go to a group, or try really hard at home

ok

things have settled a bit- and I dont know how to feel about it.

I was so worked up about Rosie since we found out her news and since she died things have settled. I dont want to feel settled about it, its a terrible, sad thing and I want to mourn her. Im still worried about Fred.

I hate this stage of swinging inbetween up and down Still not quite finished assignment.Not confident about the subject and feel like Im blagging my way through it. Know that a pass is 40% and i'll probably get that but I wanted to apply myself. Just getting through.

It happened

Well poor Rosie died yesterday. Bless her and her family, gone too soon like so many.
We were out at friends when I got the message. I was only there out of duty, I wanted to stay at home as I'd felt strange all day. I didnt say anything but we came home around 11 that night to get settled before the New years Eve fireworks and I read the full message then. Few tears but the tablets are stopping most of my reaction.
Woke up this morning feeling calmer, I know the family will be so upset now but I found out they decided to have one of crazy Daisys pups, a boy this time, so Im sure he will bring a little light into their dark moments.

The family came for dinner which was fine, I just dont do great around company at the mo.
Well tonight Ive been using new laptop to sort out course work as I will have lots of ironing this week and ive got to send it by the 7th. First part done, second and hardest part rough draft but wont get to look at it for a couple of days.

Fred still concerns me and Im sure will continue to do so, I cant help it.
Off to settle down for the night.

New Years Eve

I have to admit to feeling quite weepy today and have got the jitters. Im not really in the mood for celebrating and would rather stay in, but thats not really fair on Harry so we're off to friends. I have said I might not stay to new year so we'll see.
Scott is off to the pub and staying the night so am concerned about that. Just hope he's sensible.

Dinner for tomorrow is in hand, well the stew is cooked, all the veg etc is frozen so that should be ok.

Ah well. Will see what my next post is like.

Drudge

Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.

I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.

Flat

Well Im back on full dose meds, and its making me feel so flat. Its so hard to adjust to, I am still upset about Rosie and Im still terrified that something will happen to my Freddie and Im also terrified that if anything does then it will send me completely over the edge.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.

Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.

Im off to try and do a little more.

Not so good still

If im brutally honest things are pants, big bridget jones ones.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.

Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.