I have to admit to feeling quite weepy today and have got the jitters. Im not really in the mood for celebrating and would rather stay in, but thats not really fair on Harry so we're off to friends. I have said I might not stay to new year so we'll see.
Scott is off to the pub and staying the night so am concerned about that. Just hope he's sensible.
Dinner for tomorrow is in hand, well the stew is cooked, all the veg etc is frozen so that should be ok.
Ah well. Will see what my next post is like.
Friday, 31 December 2010
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Drudge
Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.
I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.
I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Flat
Well Im back on full dose meds, and its making me feel so flat. Its so hard to adjust to, I am still upset about Rosie and Im still terrified that something will happen to my Freddie and Im also terrified that if anything does then it will send me completely over the edge.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.
Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.
Im off to try and do a little more.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.
Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.
Im off to try and do a little more.
Sunday, 26 December 2010
Not so good still
If im brutally honest things are pants, big bridget jones ones.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.
Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.
Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.
Friday, 24 December 2010
nothing
Im feeling nothing other than anger.
Ive lost my sense of perspective
Im wanting tomorrow to be done but then I realise that wishing the time away, for some, is not right.
The moon and the weather is still bothering me.
My thoughts come quieter with less force and I am both grateful and guilty.
I see no point in much at this time.
I need to study but just cant.
People are texting me and I dont want to answer.
There are presents under the tree but it feels wrong
This Christmas doesnt warrant celebration.
Ive lost my sense of perspective
Im wanting tomorrow to be done but then I realise that wishing the time away, for some, is not right.
The moon and the weather is still bothering me.
My thoughts come quieter with less force and I am both grateful and guilty.
I see no point in much at this time.
I need to study but just cant.
People are texting me and I dont want to answer.
There are presents under the tree but it feels wrong
This Christmas doesnt warrant celebration.
Monday, 20 December 2010
Foggy headed
Well i took half a 45 mg tablet last night and while i slept like a log, i cannot wake up this morning.
I have got up and done all the jobs i could do as Harry got the car, and im not really in a condition to drive yet.
Ive done tea, its in the oven, and i ve walked boys.
All whilst I feel completely numb and groggy.
Im still so scared of everything, i still am having the runaway thoughts, but I cannot react to them and feel so guilty that im not.
Im so tired and feel like I cant think straight.
I keep worrying that Im losing control of me and Im going to end up in a heap on the floor and wont be able to function.
I know its because of how Im feeling, and I know the tablets do help with this, but i can remember from when I started taking them last time, that they frighten me. Well the side effects do. Im not bothered about being on the medication just getting through the settling down period when Im in two minds to keep on them or stop them.
I know I need them, but im not sure i can stick at it. All of this unable to decide is a symptom but its so hard.
I have got up and done all the jobs i could do as Harry got the car, and im not really in a condition to drive yet.
Ive done tea, its in the oven, and i ve walked boys.
All whilst I feel completely numb and groggy.
Im still so scared of everything, i still am having the runaway thoughts, but I cannot react to them and feel so guilty that im not.
Im so tired and feel like I cant think straight.
I keep worrying that Im losing control of me and Im going to end up in a heap on the floor and wont be able to function.
I know its because of how Im feeling, and I know the tablets do help with this, but i can remember from when I started taking them last time, that they frighten me. Well the side effects do. Im not bothered about being on the medication just getting through the settling down period when Im in two minds to keep on them or stop them.
I know I need them, but im not sure i can stick at it. All of this unable to decide is a symptom but its so hard.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Ah well
Well after another horrible day I have decided to go back on the meds for the time being.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.
I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.
I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.
I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.
I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much
Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.
I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.
I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.
I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.
I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much
Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.
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