Ages

Its been so long since I last posted..3 months. Im only posting tday because Im feeling crappy.
The course is nearly at an end, on my last assignment, and the new course materials came today. Im feeling nervous about both, the ema because Im really enjoying it and want to get a really good mark. The new course because its not something Ive ever studied, Archaeology, and Im nervous. I dont want to start reading until Ive at least got a rough draft for this ema, and I seem to be stalling about sitting down and writing it in case I cant do it.

Im starting or should I say re starting Slimming World tomorrow night and given how Im feeling at the mo, its not going to be enjoyable.

Ive also got to take Mum and Dad to their friends on Friday as theyre going off on a Norwegian Cruise for 6 days. Im worried about getting panicky and risking letting them down. Thats a major issue for me, committing myself to something and then getting bad so I cant do it and letting everyone down.

Then Harry has booked next week off and I know he'll want to go places and to be honest Im dreading it, the state Im in. I dont feel that me being how I am is totally accepted by anyone. No one understands how terrible they are and how out of control they get. I just dont know how to deal with it all. I cant face days of feeling like this.

I have my first cbt session next week, am hoping it helps.

Need to go.

A long time

Well I cant believe its been so long since I posted. Things are more level, but Im still worrying about things.
I think of Rosie most days, they lost her on New Years Eve. They took a puppy which I hope has helped with their big loss. I thank god every day nearly for all I have. I have been worried about Fred. He has been acting really strange lately, Im not sure if there is a girley around in season. It doesnt affect Boo the same.
The ou is ok, last assignment mark was 71%. This one is proving to be really hard to write, and its history so its right up my street, what Ive written today is a lot. I have done well today. I need to go back over it and ask myself how my reply answers the question, to see if I can tidy it up. Then the references and the Biblio.
Tomorrow Im hoping to get outside for a run, weather permitting, and I need to get a gp appointment to review meds but I hate going.
Today I had a rethink about the car...I think instead of I want, I need to think what we can have with what we can afford and not be so greedy.
Gym tonight, chest and back, not too bad. Eaten too much rubbish lately. Need to either go to a group, or try really hard at home

ok

things have settled a bit- and I dont know how to feel about it.

I was so worked up about Rosie since we found out her news and since she died things have settled. I dont want to feel settled about it, its a terrible, sad thing and I want to mourn her. Im still worried about Fred.

I hate this stage of swinging inbetween up and down Still not quite finished assignment.Not confident about the subject and feel like Im blagging my way through it. Know that a pass is 40% and i'll probably get that but I wanted to apply myself. Just getting through.

It happened

Well poor Rosie died yesterday. Bless her and her family, gone too soon like so many.
We were out at friends when I got the message. I was only there out of duty, I wanted to stay at home as I'd felt strange all day. I didnt say anything but we came home around 11 that night to get settled before the New years Eve fireworks and I read the full message then. Few tears but the tablets are stopping most of my reaction.
Woke up this morning feeling calmer, I know the family will be so upset now but I found out they decided to have one of crazy Daisys pups, a boy this time, so Im sure he will bring a little light into their dark moments.

The family came for dinner which was fine, I just dont do great around company at the mo.
Well tonight Ive been using new laptop to sort out course work as I will have lots of ironing this week and ive got to send it by the 7th. First part done, second and hardest part rough draft but wont get to look at it for a couple of days.

Fred still concerns me and Im sure will continue to do so, I cant help it.
Off to settle down for the night.

New Years Eve

I have to admit to feeling quite weepy today and have got the jitters. Im not really in the mood for celebrating and would rather stay in, but thats not really fair on Harry so we're off to friends. I have said I might not stay to new year so we'll see.
Scott is off to the pub and staying the night so am concerned about that. Just hope he's sensible.

Dinner for tomorrow is in hand, well the stew is cooked, all the veg etc is frozen so that should be ok.

Ah well. Will see what my next post is like.

Drudge

Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.

I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.

Flat

Well Im back on full dose meds, and its making me feel so flat. Its so hard to adjust to, I am still upset about Rosie and Im still terrified that something will happen to my Freddie and Im also terrified that if anything does then it will send me completely over the edge.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.

Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.

Im off to try and do a little more.

Not so good still

If im brutally honest things are pants, big bridget jones ones.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.

Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.

nothing

Im feeling nothing other than anger.
Ive lost my sense of perspective
Im wanting tomorrow to be done but then I realise that wishing the time away, for some, is not right.
The moon and the weather is still bothering me.
My thoughts come quieter with less force and I am both grateful and guilty.
I see no point in much at this time.
I need to study but just cant.
People are texting me and I dont want to answer.
There are presents under the tree but it feels wrong
This Christmas doesnt warrant celebration.

Foggy headed

Well i took half a 45 mg tablet last night and while i slept like a log, i cannot wake up this morning.

I have got up and done all the jobs i could do as Harry got the car, and im not really in a condition to drive yet.
Ive done tea, its in the oven, and i ve walked boys.
All whilst I feel completely numb and groggy.

Im still so scared of everything, i still am having the runaway thoughts, but I cannot react to them and feel so guilty that im not.

Im so tired and feel like I cant think straight.
I keep worrying that Im losing control of me and Im going to end up in a heap on the floor and wont be able to function.

I know its because of how Im feeling, and I know the tablets do help with this, but i can remember from when I started taking them last time, that they frighten me. Well the side effects do. Im not bothered about being on the medication just getting through the settling down period when Im in two minds to keep on them or stop them.

I know I need them, but im not sure i can stick at it. All of this unable to decide is a symptom but its so hard.

Ah well

Well after another horrible day I have decided to go back on the meds for the time being.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.

I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.

I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.

I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.

I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much

Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.

Not Again

Well this is certainly more than the jitters.
It seems like its back again and im terrified.
I feel so low and I didnt see it coming this fast...in a huge dilemma about re taking meds.

My main worry is Rosie, freds sister, who is very poorly and has not much time left.
It is maybe the straw that broke the camels back. I knew id been a bit lower than normal but put it down to dark days, Christmas and feeling poorly. I also knew she was poorly but finding out it is this close, especially to christmas, has just put me on my knees.
Obviously the fact that a youngish dog is dying is so painful, I always get upset. This seems out of control though, the grief, I just keep sobbing. Im worried that she's Freds sister and it may be genetic. Im worried that he will get a certain type of cancer(nostril) as i saw it once on telly and its terrified me ever since. Now I listen to him breathe and if its not silent then Im worrying. I keep checking his nose several times a day. I know its bad but I cant help it. Just thinking these thoughts makes me feel like I will bring it on if I dont stop it, but try as I might I cant stop thinking. I feel things are out of my control and it makes me feel powerless.

At the moment I am wondering, do i hang on until this is over, or do I start taking meds now before it gets too out of hand. I havent felt this bad for I dont know how long. I started reading my blog about how it was when I first came off the meds and it certainly wasn't this awful. It feels like it was before i was first put on the meds.

I cannot shut my thoughts up, and Im having flashes again, each one sends me into,or keeps topping up my anxiety so im constantly frightened all day about everything.
I dont want to see people as I dont want to have to pretend and I dont want to concern them, Im not going to the gym if I can help it, Im not getting enough sleep, im feeling nauseas all the time and Im off my food completely....and I know where this ends. So do I cut it off by taking the meds, or do I wait and see and risk getting so low I cant function.

I need to work, both at the ironing, now to pay the loan, and at my course work but if I get too low I wont be able to.
I feel responsible for everything and cant say no.
Harry has been lovely but I just cant be how I feel with him as the damage was done last time and I dont think that memory will ever go.
I dont want my mum and dad to worry either.
Its coming up Christmas which always makes things 10 times worse.
Im going to try and face the day now. I have ironing to do but its snowing again, sick of it, just want everything to go away and I want some peace

A week

Well Ive not posted for a week. What a shit week. Since going to Boston i feel really run down and not very good.
Im seriously tired, not sleeping well, the usual waking up and struggling to go back to sleep. Thoughts take over.
I feel rough, sick mainly but headache and stiff ect.
Have no motivation to do anything, have got up and gone for a run once this week, no gym, not much course work....i just feel like running away, if i had the energy.
Feel extremely sad about things, especilally Freds sister Rosie who is so poorly at the moment and is maybe only going to see Christmas. She's only 7 and such a lovely natured thing, it just seems so unfair. Im crying all the time about it. Worried what shes feeling, what her family are going through, it just hurts. My friends dog has now got a tumor which needs difficult surgery so thats another worry, I worry about fred getting it....All thesethoughts wont stop, just like before when i got muddled up in it all.
On top of that, My Uncle is in hospital which concerns me a great deal. He's in his seventiesbut in my mind he's the big strong 50 yearold from my childhood......I see everthing changing and getting older and it scares me so much. Its all going so fast I want it and my constant worries to stop

erm

Well after my last post of saying I havent had an anxiety attack for a while, i have had a couple of wobbly days.
Yesterday I went to visit pennys mum in hospital. They always make me jittery but the lifts were horrible. Crowded and had to go up to eighth floor stopping at most of them.
Feel a bit crappy anyway, nausea and stomach upset.
Anyway its done.
Today feel similar although not as bad. Scott on way home, business class jammy bugger.

Crappy time

Feeling sad.
Had a major row with Harry and now dont know where we're going and if its together.
Ive been very crabby, pmt, bad back and groin pain and yesterday feeling poorly but with loads of work to do.
Harry been odd....distant and snappy...flashback to the horrible time.
im very wobbly and with no out let for my anxiety thanks to back pain and not been able to run.

I think im going to chance it at lunch and pop to gym for a quick on treadmill. Cant hurt any more than it does already and Id rather be out  of the house while Harry is here.

Course work, well im about to start the poetry part of my assignment and im not holding out much hope of  understanding the poem let alone writing a concise assignment on it. Just have to do my best, its only a small assignment and it doesnt count greatly towards my end result but i will really make an effort to " get it ".

Plato im not bothering with anymore...the forum just seems an outlet to show off anyway and im too preoccupied. Tomorrow is my next tutorial but im not in the mood regardless of how much I need this particular one as its on Poetry.

Tonight im supposed to be at Alex's birthday party, will just have to get it together.

Hope the day ends better than it began.

ok

Well things seem to be going ok, to be honest Ive not had may anxiety attacks since coming off meds.
I do have runaway thoughts which i am trying to rationalise, but when things hurt all the time my mind gets carried away and invents the worst case scenario.

Lately thanks to the painkillers i have had trouble going to the loo, thanks to laxatives things seem to be moving at last but for 2 weeks I imagined I had bowel cancer because of the change in bowel habits.
There is always some rational thinking behind each fear which doesnt help, bowel habits have changed since coming off meds, going from mad dashes to loo and IBS symptoms to rabbit droppings, so thats where that fear has come from.

Also the back and groin pain are driving me crazy, and the inability to exercise. I know that doing it is only going to prolonge the pain and inflammation but I need to run....its my biggest acheivement and I dont want to give it up.

Am going to be sensible and go to the docs next week when weather is a little friendlier.

Course work is up and down....am well ahead in my study which helps to feel in control but having read a couple of chapters in Book 2, Plato and Poetry, i feel out of my depth and that i'll never understand it.
Luckily the history chapters are brilliant and right up my street but I still feel Im not going to have the intelligence to do this......tutorial next week if the roads are passable so that may bolster my confidence.

life is content apart from pain

Still ok

Well Im still doing ok. That is apart from bad back and strong painkillers.....dont like some of the effects but so desperate.

No real panics and no downers inspite of it being a full moon.
Course going ok.

Am eager to get back into exercising but am trying to be patient.

Wow

Well its been just over a week since i posted last. Have just re read my last pot and it was a real downer.

Apart from bad back and terrible constipation, things are ok.

Scott got to Australia and I was fine, no panics....in fact no panics for a while.

Got assignment results back, 68%, would have cared for more, but justified result.
Have done tma 02 and started tma03 and am in front with my reading, Tma03 is a bit harder or it maybe I have no confidence in my abilities.

Will keep plodding away.

up and down

Better day yesterday, well it was until my side started hurting...again!

Had the bright idea Id grab a quick run at the gym. Felt side twinge when I was running but as usual I ignored it and it did go away, but last night and today its burning like hell.

im not as jittery today but have absolutely no patience. Shouting at the dogs like a fish wife, had a moan at Scott inspite of it being his birthday and him jetting off to Oz next week.
Im sure the pain and the jitters about him going aren't helping my intolerence of everything.

I am getting increasingly pissed off with lack of consideration for others, not in me, in strangers. Drivers blocking roads, taxi drivers, litter droppers etc......I could just blow my top.

Have tried to study but have lost confidence and motivation. Tried to answer an assignment question but have no idea if Im on the right path as the first one isnt back yet and wont be for another week....god knows why, most of the other groups have had theirs and are working on the re writes.

Just had to answer the door, thought it was a delivery, which would have been fine, but it turned out to be scrap dealer.....if it had been the local Joh bo's they would have been given a right rounf of fuck's. i hate being made to answer the door when Im doing something just for them...Piss off and stop shoving your beliefs down other peoples throats... I dont go to their house and disturb them...

Ah Im ranting but I really want to just say Fuck Off to everything today!

Maybe a bit better day

Yesterday was hell. I dont know if it was the worst day since coming off the tablets but its definatelty in the running.
Cant understand how bad it was. Felt so out of control and thought I may go crazy,,,jees really scary

Had a better nights sleep and do feel a bit calmer.
Weather is completely rubbish, dark very windy and raining.
Off to the smoke so once that is done I'll be happier.

Have started on Vit D and HTP so maybe they will help but not for a while eh same old same old.

Went to gym last night and did good workout which usually really lifts me...didnt have big effect last night but glad I went and did it.
See how today pans out