I have to admit to feeling quite weepy today and have got the jitters. Im not really in the mood for celebrating and would rather stay in, but thats not really fair on Harry so we're off to friends. I have said I might not stay to new year so we'll see.
Scott is off to the pub and staying the night so am concerned about that. Just hope he's sensible.
Dinner for tomorrow is in hand, well the stew is cooked, all the veg etc is frozen so that should be ok.
Ah well. Will see what my next post is like.
Friday 31 December 2010
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Drudge
Life feels so flat again, with no reaction now to dreadful thoughts. This isnt how I should feel but its hard to get the balance beween normal and over reaction to events.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.
I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.
Im terrified of how Im going to react to the news of Rosie, and even thinking about it makes my stomach drop. A life cut short before a chance to grow old...I know it happens all the time but it feels so unfair and I cant do anything to stop it. I think of what the family is going through and my heart breaks for them. Its a terrible time for them and I feel so helpless.
In my mind is also the worry that I may have to go through it myself with our lovely boys and it fills me with horror. The thought of losing them before theyre old is terrible and I feel I would not cope or want to, which is a huge worry.
I cannot stir myself or find a path through, its just a let it happen feeling and I hate it, it scares me so much that I cannot control my own thoughts and feelings to the extent where it makes me lose control.
Some days I feel I will go mad.
Tuesday 28 December 2010
Flat
Well Im back on full dose meds, and its making me feel so flat. Its so hard to adjust to, I am still upset about Rosie and Im still terrified that something will happen to my Freddie and Im also terrified that if anything does then it will send me completely over the edge.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.
Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.
Im off to try and do a little more.
The problem is I feel guilty for not reacting to these thoughts.
They are happening less and less but Im not sure thats agood thing, it feels like Im not prepared if Im not constantly thinking about them. I know it sounds so odd but thats how i feel.
I am sleeping more and waking up is still the hardest part of the day, I dread facing what is to come, but at least Harry is off until the 10th so I have time to get back on my feet.
Study wise things arent moving. Im finding it hard to do the poem, thankfully I have done the Faraday bit although it needs a good tweak but the poem wont write.
Im off to try and do a little more.
Sunday 26 December 2010
Not so good still
If im brutally honest things are pants, big bridget jones ones.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.
Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.
I feel lower than I ever have and it is scaring me so much.
Yesterday went ok, better than expected.
Today has been rubbish. Was later up, 9am, walked dogs and it was such hard work.
Went to Grimsby but under duress, did not want to go. Went to get a new laptop which Harry and Scott have generously given me money for for my Christmas present. I couldnt work up any enthusiasm and it was just like a cattle market. Came home without anything. Went to sleep. Woke up, harry wante dto go to his mums but I didnt feel like seeing anyone so Im on computer on my own and thats fine.
Course work looming but i feel so drugged its hard to concentrate. Also am waiting for the email or phone call to tell me about Rosie. I feel like im on a knife edge.
Friday 24 December 2010
nothing
Im feeling nothing other than anger.
Ive lost my sense of perspective
Im wanting tomorrow to be done but then I realise that wishing the time away, for some, is not right.
The moon and the weather is still bothering me.
My thoughts come quieter with less force and I am both grateful and guilty.
I see no point in much at this time.
I need to study but just cant.
People are texting me and I dont want to answer.
There are presents under the tree but it feels wrong
This Christmas doesnt warrant celebration.
Ive lost my sense of perspective
Im wanting tomorrow to be done but then I realise that wishing the time away, for some, is not right.
The moon and the weather is still bothering me.
My thoughts come quieter with less force and I am both grateful and guilty.
I see no point in much at this time.
I need to study but just cant.
People are texting me and I dont want to answer.
There are presents under the tree but it feels wrong
This Christmas doesnt warrant celebration.
Monday 20 December 2010
Foggy headed
Well i took half a 45 mg tablet last night and while i slept like a log, i cannot wake up this morning.
I have got up and done all the jobs i could do as Harry got the car, and im not really in a condition to drive yet.
Ive done tea, its in the oven, and i ve walked boys.
All whilst I feel completely numb and groggy.
Im still so scared of everything, i still am having the runaway thoughts, but I cannot react to them and feel so guilty that im not.
Im so tired and feel like I cant think straight.
I keep worrying that Im losing control of me and Im going to end up in a heap on the floor and wont be able to function.
I know its because of how Im feeling, and I know the tablets do help with this, but i can remember from when I started taking them last time, that they frighten me. Well the side effects do. Im not bothered about being on the medication just getting through the settling down period when Im in two minds to keep on them or stop them.
I know I need them, but im not sure i can stick at it. All of this unable to decide is a symptom but its so hard.
I have got up and done all the jobs i could do as Harry got the car, and im not really in a condition to drive yet.
Ive done tea, its in the oven, and i ve walked boys.
All whilst I feel completely numb and groggy.
Im still so scared of everything, i still am having the runaway thoughts, but I cannot react to them and feel so guilty that im not.
Im so tired and feel like I cant think straight.
I keep worrying that Im losing control of me and Im going to end up in a heap on the floor and wont be able to function.
I know its because of how Im feeling, and I know the tablets do help with this, but i can remember from when I started taking them last time, that they frighten me. Well the side effects do. Im not bothered about being on the medication just getting through the settling down period when Im in two minds to keep on them or stop them.
I know I need them, but im not sure i can stick at it. All of this unable to decide is a symptom but its so hard.
Sunday 19 December 2010
Ah well
Well after another horrible day I have decided to go back on the meds for the time being.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.
I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.
I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.
I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.
I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much
Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.
Its obvious thigs are really getting on top of me which is why I am reacting so hard to the Rosie situation. I cannot bear the constant flash thoughts which horrify me and send my adreneline levels into orbit.
I have no interest in things and keep sobbing, this on top of no sleep and the loss to come are just too much.
This time of year is always hard for me, but I think I may just have made it without the terrible situations, but there are always going to be these things to cope with in life and Im really not coping.
I lok around my house and it looks different, threatening, a place where torment is at the minute. The same when I look out of the window. I see the snow which is going to cause problems maybe and a full moon, Rosie's last, and they bring me to tears each time.
I know its a false way of thinking, and the guilt i feel if Im not crying or feeling or thinking bad things is massive and getting too much to bear.
I dread going to bed and I dread the coming day, because of what I have to face and the news that is coming.
I think of her family and my heart feels like its breaking. The pain feels too much
Tonight ive taken my first tablet, half a 45 mg of Mirt.
Im scared again of starting them, the side effects, the feeling of failure, the "what if's" but i am tormenting myself and I can't carry on likeit anymore.
Not Again
Well this is certainly more than the jitters.
It seems like its back again and im terrified.
I feel so low and I didnt see it coming this fast...in a huge dilemma about re taking meds.
My main worry is Rosie, freds sister, who is very poorly and has not much time left.
It is maybe the straw that broke the camels back. I knew id been a bit lower than normal but put it down to dark days, Christmas and feeling poorly. I also knew she was poorly but finding out it is this close, especially to christmas, has just put me on my knees.
Obviously the fact that a youngish dog is dying is so painful, I always get upset. This seems out of control though, the grief, I just keep sobbing. Im worried that she's Freds sister and it may be genetic. Im worried that he will get a certain type of cancer(nostril) as i saw it once on telly and its terrified me ever since. Now I listen to him breathe and if its not silent then Im worrying. I keep checking his nose several times a day. I know its bad but I cant help it. Just thinking these thoughts makes me feel like I will bring it on if I dont stop it, but try as I might I cant stop thinking. I feel things are out of my control and it makes me feel powerless.
At the moment I am wondering, do i hang on until this is over, or do I start taking meds now before it gets too out of hand. I havent felt this bad for I dont know how long. I started reading my blog about how it was when I first came off the meds and it certainly wasn't this awful. It feels like it was before i was first put on the meds.
I cannot shut my thoughts up, and Im having flashes again, each one sends me into,or keeps topping up my anxiety so im constantly frightened all day about everything.
I dont want to see people as I dont want to have to pretend and I dont want to concern them, Im not going to the gym if I can help it, Im not getting enough sleep, im feeling nauseas all the time and Im off my food completely....and I know where this ends. So do I cut it off by taking the meds, or do I wait and see and risk getting so low I cant function.
I need to work, both at the ironing, now to pay the loan, and at my course work but if I get too low I wont be able to.
I feel responsible for everything and cant say no.
Harry has been lovely but I just cant be how I feel with him as the damage was done last time and I dont think that memory will ever go.
I dont want my mum and dad to worry either.
Its coming up Christmas which always makes things 10 times worse.
Im going to try and face the day now. I have ironing to do but its snowing again, sick of it, just want everything to go away and I want some peace
It seems like its back again and im terrified.
I feel so low and I didnt see it coming this fast...in a huge dilemma about re taking meds.
My main worry is Rosie, freds sister, who is very poorly and has not much time left.
It is maybe the straw that broke the camels back. I knew id been a bit lower than normal but put it down to dark days, Christmas and feeling poorly. I also knew she was poorly but finding out it is this close, especially to christmas, has just put me on my knees.
Obviously the fact that a youngish dog is dying is so painful, I always get upset. This seems out of control though, the grief, I just keep sobbing. Im worried that she's Freds sister and it may be genetic. Im worried that he will get a certain type of cancer(nostril) as i saw it once on telly and its terrified me ever since. Now I listen to him breathe and if its not silent then Im worrying. I keep checking his nose several times a day. I know its bad but I cant help it. Just thinking these thoughts makes me feel like I will bring it on if I dont stop it, but try as I might I cant stop thinking. I feel things are out of my control and it makes me feel powerless.
At the moment I am wondering, do i hang on until this is over, or do I start taking meds now before it gets too out of hand. I havent felt this bad for I dont know how long. I started reading my blog about how it was when I first came off the meds and it certainly wasn't this awful. It feels like it was before i was first put on the meds.
I cannot shut my thoughts up, and Im having flashes again, each one sends me into,or keeps topping up my anxiety so im constantly frightened all day about everything.
I dont want to see people as I dont want to have to pretend and I dont want to concern them, Im not going to the gym if I can help it, Im not getting enough sleep, im feeling nauseas all the time and Im off my food completely....and I know where this ends. So do I cut it off by taking the meds, or do I wait and see and risk getting so low I cant function.
I need to work, both at the ironing, now to pay the loan, and at my course work but if I get too low I wont be able to.
I feel responsible for everything and cant say no.
Harry has been lovely but I just cant be how I feel with him as the damage was done last time and I dont think that memory will ever go.
I dont want my mum and dad to worry either.
Its coming up Christmas which always makes things 10 times worse.
Im going to try and face the day now. I have ironing to do but its snowing again, sick of it, just want everything to go away and I want some peace
Friday 17 December 2010
A week
Well Ive not posted for a week. What a shit week. Since going to Boston i feel really run down and not very good.
Im seriously tired, not sleeping well, the usual waking up and struggling to go back to sleep. Thoughts take over.
I feel rough, sick mainly but headache and stiff ect.
Have no motivation to do anything, have got up and gone for a run once this week, no gym, not much course work....i just feel like running away, if i had the energy.
Feel extremely sad about things, especilally Freds sister Rosie who is so poorly at the moment and is maybe only going to see Christmas. She's only 7 and such a lovely natured thing, it just seems so unfair. Im crying all the time about it. Worried what shes feeling, what her family are going through, it just hurts. My friends dog has now got a tumor which needs difficult surgery so thats another worry, I worry about fred getting it....All thesethoughts wont stop, just like before when i got muddled up in it all.
On top of that, My Uncle is in hospital which concerns me a great deal. He's in his seventiesbut in my mind he's the big strong 50 yearold from my childhood......I see everthing changing and getting older and it scares me so much. Its all going so fast I want it and my constant worries to stop
Im seriously tired, not sleeping well, the usual waking up and struggling to go back to sleep. Thoughts take over.
I feel rough, sick mainly but headache and stiff ect.
Have no motivation to do anything, have got up and gone for a run once this week, no gym, not much course work....i just feel like running away, if i had the energy.
Feel extremely sad about things, especilally Freds sister Rosie who is so poorly at the moment and is maybe only going to see Christmas. She's only 7 and such a lovely natured thing, it just seems so unfair. Im crying all the time about it. Worried what shes feeling, what her family are going through, it just hurts. My friends dog has now got a tumor which needs difficult surgery so thats another worry, I worry about fred getting it....All thesethoughts wont stop, just like before when i got muddled up in it all.
On top of that, My Uncle is in hospital which concerns me a great deal. He's in his seventiesbut in my mind he's the big strong 50 yearold from my childhood......I see everthing changing and getting older and it scares me so much. Its all going so fast I want it and my constant worries to stop
Friday 10 December 2010
erm
Well after my last post of saying I havent had an anxiety attack for a while, i have had a couple of wobbly days.
Yesterday I went to visit pennys mum in hospital. They always make me jittery but the lifts were horrible. Crowded and had to go up to eighth floor stopping at most of them.
Feel a bit crappy anyway, nausea and stomach upset.
Anyway its done.
Today feel similar although not as bad. Scott on way home, business class jammy bugger.
Yesterday I went to visit pennys mum in hospital. They always make me jittery but the lifts were horrible. Crowded and had to go up to eighth floor stopping at most of them.
Feel a bit crappy anyway, nausea and stomach upset.
Anyway its done.
Today feel similar although not as bad. Scott on way home, business class jammy bugger.
Monday 6 December 2010
Crappy time
Feeling sad.
Had a major row with Harry and now dont know where we're going and if its together.
Ive been very crabby, pmt, bad back and groin pain and yesterday feeling poorly but with loads of work to do.
Harry been odd....distant and snappy...flashback to the horrible time.
im very wobbly and with no out let for my anxiety thanks to back pain and not been able to run.
I think im going to chance it at lunch and pop to gym for a quick on treadmill. Cant hurt any more than it does already and Id rather be out of the house while Harry is here.
Course work, well im about to start the poetry part of my assignment and im not holding out much hope of understanding the poem let alone writing a concise assignment on it. Just have to do my best, its only a small assignment and it doesnt count greatly towards my end result but i will really make an effort to " get it ".
Plato im not bothering with anymore...the forum just seems an outlet to show off anyway and im too preoccupied. Tomorrow is my next tutorial but im not in the mood regardless of how much I need this particular one as its on Poetry.
Tonight im supposed to be at Alex's birthday party, will just have to get it together.
Hope the day ends better than it began.
Had a major row with Harry and now dont know where we're going and if its together.
Ive been very crabby, pmt, bad back and groin pain and yesterday feeling poorly but with loads of work to do.
Harry been odd....distant and snappy...flashback to the horrible time.
im very wobbly and with no out let for my anxiety thanks to back pain and not been able to run.
I think im going to chance it at lunch and pop to gym for a quick on treadmill. Cant hurt any more than it does already and Id rather be out of the house while Harry is here.
Course work, well im about to start the poetry part of my assignment and im not holding out much hope of understanding the poem let alone writing a concise assignment on it. Just have to do my best, its only a small assignment and it doesnt count greatly towards my end result but i will really make an effort to " get it ".
Plato im not bothering with anymore...the forum just seems an outlet to show off anyway and im too preoccupied. Tomorrow is my next tutorial but im not in the mood regardless of how much I need this particular one as its on Poetry.
Tonight im supposed to be at Alex's birthday party, will just have to get it together.
Hope the day ends better than it began.
Thursday 2 December 2010
ok
Well things seem to be going ok, to be honest Ive not had may anxiety attacks since coming off meds.
I do have runaway thoughts which i am trying to rationalise, but when things hurt all the time my mind gets carried away and invents the worst case scenario.
Lately thanks to the painkillers i have had trouble going to the loo, thanks to laxatives things seem to be moving at last but for 2 weeks I imagined I had bowel cancer because of the change in bowel habits.
There is always some rational thinking behind each fear which doesnt help, bowel habits have changed since coming off meds, going from mad dashes to loo and IBS symptoms to rabbit droppings, so thats where that fear has come from.
Also the back and groin pain are driving me crazy, and the inability to exercise. I know that doing it is only going to prolonge the pain and inflammation but I need to run....its my biggest acheivement and I dont want to give it up.
Am going to be sensible and go to the docs next week when weather is a little friendlier.
Course work is up and down....am well ahead in my study which helps to feel in control but having read a couple of chapters in Book 2, Plato and Poetry, i feel out of my depth and that i'll never understand it.
Luckily the history chapters are brilliant and right up my street but I still feel Im not going to have the intelligence to do this......tutorial next week if the roads are passable so that may bolster my confidence.
life is content apart from pain
I do have runaway thoughts which i am trying to rationalise, but when things hurt all the time my mind gets carried away and invents the worst case scenario.
Lately thanks to the painkillers i have had trouble going to the loo, thanks to laxatives things seem to be moving at last but for 2 weeks I imagined I had bowel cancer because of the change in bowel habits.
There is always some rational thinking behind each fear which doesnt help, bowel habits have changed since coming off meds, going from mad dashes to loo and IBS symptoms to rabbit droppings, so thats where that fear has come from.
Also the back and groin pain are driving me crazy, and the inability to exercise. I know that doing it is only going to prolonge the pain and inflammation but I need to run....its my biggest acheivement and I dont want to give it up.
Am going to be sensible and go to the docs next week when weather is a little friendlier.
Course work is up and down....am well ahead in my study which helps to feel in control but having read a couple of chapters in Book 2, Plato and Poetry, i feel out of my depth and that i'll never understand it.
Luckily the history chapters are brilliant and right up my street but I still feel Im not going to have the intelligence to do this......tutorial next week if the roads are passable so that may bolster my confidence.
life is content apart from pain
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