Better mk 2

Today isn't so bad at all.

The sun is shining

Have managed to get a run done

No work this afternoon.

Jitters on the back burner, always a dread they reappear.

The weather has made massive change but tomorrow its gonna rain,,,,boo hoo

Bit better

Woke up and didn't feel as bad as yesterday, although didnt sleep that well.

The day is better, the sun is shining and the jitters are at a minimum.

Have walked the boys, we never did yesterday, i couldnt face it and was going with Harry when he got home but the weather was terrible so didn't go in the end
Went to gym but no good, was tired, ached, and had no plan. Just thought it would help settle me. Didnt

Today is another day so lets see how it goes.

Flay

Today been rubbish, no let up.

Feel really flat and have lost my mtivation, for course, for gym, for staying off tablets.
It all feels very hard and I know I shouldn't give up and I dont want to but without knowing if this will pass then its bloody hard.

Think I need to be kinder to myself and just keep going as long as I can.

Again

Another wobbly start to the day. No let up yet.

I have been shopping and for a run and done the ironing but didn't want to do any of it.
Feel really tearful, short tempered and I could jump out of my skin.

Wish I knew if this was temporary.

Need to give it another week.

Worst day

This has been the hardest day so far.

Im starting to wake very jittery and it stays with me, today Ive even had the scary thoughts which send the anxiety levels shooting up. Im also very jumpy and easily upset.

Im in a dilemma, do I continue to stay off meds in the hope that this wears off, only been off meds completely a week, or do I run back to the meds.

The one thing I just cannot bear to come back is the scary thoughts, worries about bad things happening to those I love and I need to make sure they are all ok and safe because if anything happens to them it will be my fault and I wont be able to cope.

Can I get help to overcome this problem without resorting to the meds?

I also think I have aproblem with my hormones. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome but nothing too terrible. Just lately Ive noticed changes, hair is greasy, getting more spots, not able to lose weight( early days with that). I need to get it sorted but feel a bit to wobbly at the mo.

Have managed to get ironing done, do shopping, go to physio and go to shops with Penny but when these falshes happen it ruins what im doing.

Need to get it sorted.

Wobbly

Had more of a wobbly day today.
Maybe its something that has to get out of my system
Am waking up with the bad jitters but it does wear off after lunch.

Physio tomorrow so i hope the jitters back off a bit.

Bit of a wobble

Today Ive felt rubbish, im not putting it all down to coming off tabs, i think I feel rubbish anyway, but feeling rubbish brings on the jitters and I usually don't have enough perspective and feel Im always going to feel this bad.

Got some ironing done
Had a visit which went fine so Im pleased.
Now just want to sit down and chill

Better Day

Today not been bad although I did feel a couple of thoughts start to race a bit.
So far I have shut them down but I hope they don't come back too often

I think its because I read peoples experiences coming of Mirtazapine and they were a bit scarey.
The most worrying was that some people seem to have a bit of a dip 4 weeks after no medication.
Some have no symtoms of withdrawl at all and I must admit mine are nothing compare to some of the horrors Ive read.

I think exercise is helping although i feel extremely tired and cold most of the time when Im not exerciseing..doesn't help that the weather has turned decidedly Autumnal and getting out into the fresh air is hard work.

Im hoping the course will be a distraction rather than a burden, it feels exciting at the mo but its not officially started yet.

No weight loss as yet.

Im going to try and remember that even on the meds i still had anxiety and racing thoughts so I can cope on my own....apart from the lack of sleep in the night and the tiredness in the day.

Ends better than the start

Well today ended on a better note.

It did get worse before that though but I now feel more optamistic of a positive outcome.

Morale of the day, a bad morning doesn't mean a bad day.

Oh and i even went to Spinning on my own,
Im using fitness and exercise to help with any jitters and I read an article which says being fitter and more active lessens the likelehood of attacks and shortens the ones you do get.

No bloody weight loss yet.

Crap

Today is crap, weather horrible and so is the day.

Crying most of morning and scared Im not coping thanks to fall out with friend.

Feel powerless

day is done

Well got through today.
Tooth is in just hope it stays in, dentist was fine no panics
Didn't have Alex so didn't have school run

Went to gym and did bootcamp with Liz and it was hard but no panic.

Now Ive just been sorting out future OU courses and have got a bit ahead of myself so will leave that

Tomorrow is starting to pray on my mind.
Miss the Dude and know there will be tears
Am wondering if Cheryl will climb down off her high horse and wish me Happy Birthday, don't know what itll mean for friendship if she doesn't. She still hasn't replied to my text and part of me thinks fuck it then.

Anyway am definately running tomorrow, hopefully outside abut weather looking rubbish so may nip up to gym.

Hope I can sleep tonight

Wobbly today

Just a quick post.

Feel wobbly today, got several things I have to do today including the dentist and looking after Goddaughter but I think the main reason is I had a bit of a row with a good friend last night and Im still feeling the effects.

I guess i need to deal with these everyday things but always a bit scared I wont cope which is daft as things have been going well so far. Even when I was taking the tablets these things would have made me feel wobbly so I need to just get on with things, they usually resolve themselves anyway.

Post later.

Better night

Slept quite a bit better last night than the previous one, maybe cos I was knackered and maybe cos I wasn't as concerned about Harrys knee.

Today has been a bit of a low level jitter, nothing like the full blown ones but there in the background.
Had quite a lot to do today and felt a bit overwhelmed.

Decided to take boys on my run today and kill two birds with one stone. It was ok, had to stop a couple of times for various reasons ans the calf stiffness was there alittle bit but got it done.

Two lots of ironing this morning and shopping and two lots of ironing this afternoon and housework. Im quite tired and havent looked at my books for that reason, but also don't want to get to a bit I find beyond me at this stage and get put off.

Still taking the Ab's and they make me feel so sick so Im not taking another until after we get home tonight after takeaway at Trouts, another little reason for the jitter Im sure. Will be fine though.

Side effects seem not bad, sweating there still but not excessively and very tired.

Sleep please

Well last night was my second off meds and i just couldn't go to sleep. not even tired.

Im not sure if its just the lack of meds, I certainly have a little pmt and it was a full moon, noticed that at half one this morning as I was wondering back from the bathroom. I also think Im a little excited about the course.

Today I found i sweat quite easily and felt knackered.
Was anxious about Harrys knee and tend to get a bit defensive and cross when Im anxious and he's not always helpful.

Been to see doc and and got him sorted so now not worried.

Had headache but not as fuzzy and certainly more awake in the morning.

Going for a run tomorrow morning and then to eat with friends tomorrow night. xx

Ok day

Have decided no to take my last dose as Im fed up with the side effects one day and none the next, plus the side effects are stronger as the drug isn't at equal levels every day.

This will be the second night in a row.

I have some bad moods but think it may be pmt

Bit fuzzy

Studying is going ok so far so am looking forward to that.

Getting better

Well its been a few days on half dose/none and I now only have one tablet left before I stop all together.

I am nervous and looking forward to it as alternating the dose means I have stronger side effects. Today I feel really muggy headed as I had half a tablet last night, but I did get more sleep.

On the mornings after I had no meds i feel bit jittery but clearer headed but sleep is broken.

I am currently getting ready for my new OU course and am nervous about that, attending tutorials may be hard. Am meeting new people online to do with the course and its good but scarey.

Have been sent to a new website regarding Anxiety and coping so will certainly look for any help there.

Im carrying on regardless

Not a brilliant day

Today has been the worst day so far and I don't know what is responsible.
It could be the thought of starting the half tablet/no tablet week
It could be this UTI or whatever it is
It could be hormonal, the pcos playing up
It could be the reduced dose finally catching up
It could be the thought of going it alone without the safety net of the meds

Anyway looking on the positive side has been decidedly more difficult today but I will try my best to keep seeing the positive even if i don't feel it.

You know what they say " fake it til you make it"

I need to ignore the fear as it will only be temporary, and to take control of the things I can and just accept the things I cannot control, difficult for a control freak but I will try.

Anyway have managed to look into Uni course and have tried to get a bit done before it starts so feel positive about that.

Tonight is the first night of no meds so will post tomorrow, hope to get a nights sleep but its been affected a bit.

Bad morning

Well today has been the worst so far and by worst I mean i feel rough and a bit jittery and fuzzy headed again but im not 100% that its the reduced dose.

Im not sure where I am in my monthly cycle as because of the PCOS i take the pill for 3 months at a time before having a break. I must say things feel like the time of the month, so tired and achey and snappy. Doesn't help that I also have a Urine Infection and am taking AB's which come with built in nausea.

In spite of this I have wlaked the dogs, done the housework, looked at my course stuff and hopefully downloaded some of that onto Ipod.

Head feels a bit cleare as the morning wears on and I am trying my best to keep the worry in perspective telling myself that this too will passs and to just stick at it.
xx

Monday 13th

Well its still going ok, had a few jitters but low level ones, still got bit of headache but its less so and legs not so achey.

Im surprised how calm things are. In fact I seem to be having less big episodes of the jitters and the ones I have Im trying very hard to chill out about which seems to work

Ive just started on Anti Biotics for a UTI so hopefully they don't affect things but I am really itchy when Ive taken them.

I have tonight and tomorrow on half a tablet then I go to taking half a tablet every other night for a week then Im off them.

Im really excited about coming off them and feel positive.

Half dose

Decided to stay on half dose for a week rather than keep spiking my levels by taking a full one every 2 night so Im hoping its going to be managable.

Today I really felt the s.e.'s. Woke up at 5am but went straight back to sleep. When I did get up I was a bit jittery and fuzzy and banging head and nausea so I cancelled my run. My legs are hurting so much but I really think its the tablets. All the time Ive been on them, every so often I would go to bed and my legs would ache like I had the flu. Quite severe ache, and today  has been similar, tendons and calves feel so stiff and inflexible which is why I cancelled run.

Then I decided just to give it a go, I knew it was going to be a short easy run. Turned out to be the best thing I could have done. The run its self went well, legs a bit stiff but not enough to matter. Jitters went away and I felt positive again.

Had worries about dad driving to Lincoln and the old thoughts that if I didn't take him something terrible would happen surfaced but the run and ignoring it really worked

Later went to spinning class with Trout. Not that keen on spinning but its good for fitness and will help with running. Felt crap before I went but even though it was challenging it was better than last week and im so glad to spend time with her as I really miss that.

Tonight was sad as it was the dude's birthday and I thought it was tomorrow so we didn't have a cake like we usually do. Few tears but thats ok.

Now on half dose for another 4 nights and then im undecided wether to stop or taper for another week. Will see how its going but at the mo Im positive I can do this

Bit funny today

Must admit I feel a bit fuzzy today.
Last night was the second night on half tablet, tonight is a full one.

Feel a bit headachy and knackered and jsut fuzzy headed. Dont know if its the dose but think it may be.
Im trying to think that one jippy day isn't a reason not to try. So am gonna keep with it.

Good day so far

Last full tablet for 3 nights and things are going ok.

Drove 13 miles to physo app and did large supermarket shop with no jitters.

Have read up on side effects of coming off meds so I am expecting some, headache and jitters but hoping I can stick it out until they fade, if they appear at all....seem to be on a positive streak at mo. I think coming off slowly helps reduce s.e and even on the meds I still had todeal with the jitters so who knows I may be great.

Dentist tomorrow which Im sure I will be nervous about but who isn't?

Not too bad

Half tablet last night and today has not been too bad, lots of ironing done and took back but on the whole a good day

Tomorrow Im at physio so ther maybe some jitters there but will have to deal with it.

Hopefully get a run in tomorrow but depends on weather, Im at gym tomorrow night so will get on treadmill if cant run outside.

So far so good

Jittery

Dont know if its psycological but do feel a bit more jittery but not sure if its any more than usual this time of month or side effects.

Full tablet last night and I do feel a bit hungover this morning but managed to get out for my long run of the week. Had little jitters on part of run but got round it.

Will post again either later or tomorrow

Jitters

Yesterday was a bit jittery but no apparent reason, I don't think its reducing the tablets just yet, just one of those days.

Got very wobbly after spinning class and really wanted to come home but stayed and it runed ok so pat on the back for me.

was very tired last night so had early night but dont think I slept too well, it was a half tablet night but don't know if that had anything to do with it.
.
This morning i feel ok, more awake, but headache and stiff neck due to not removeing enough pillows.

Had a few wobbles about coming off them which im sure is bound to happen, but gotta give it my best try and If Im honest Im a bit excited at the thought of being off them.

Day 2

This has been my first day on hald dose mirtazapine and so far all ok.

Its hard to know so soon if things will be ok but Im keeping fingers crossed.

As I take my dose at night as it makes me sleepy then the only thing I noticed today was I felt more awake quicker this morning. I also slept fine.

Got a bit jittery today but we did go to the pictures and that tends to make me like that, didn't have to leave so cant really say it was bad.

Been eating my head off today and am hoping that stops when Im off meds as Im so fed up with the weight....its the main reason Im trying to come off them.

Full tablet tonight as Im sticking to alternating half and full doses for the first week.

First night on half dose

Today is the first time I am reducing the odse of mirtazapine with the hope of comng off completely within a month.

I have been on these tablets for 28 months and they have worked in the capacity they were prescribed for, namely anxiety symptoms. They also helped with reducing the catastrophic thinking. Neither has gone completely but I feel that life is much more balanced and it is time to try and cope without medication.

The main reason prompting me to do this is the weight gain of around 20 pounds to the 13 stone I am now, inspite of all the exercise I do. Run 3 times a week and gym work 4 times a week as well as walking the hounds every day.

I am currently taking 45 mg pd and Doc has advised me to take half a tablet every other night for a week and then for 2 night to one full one for another week and then down to half for a week and then stop.

I am concerned with the withdrawl symptoms and Im hoping they aren't bad enough to stop me trying.

There is nothing too bad coming up to get stressed about apart from dentist but Im still anxious even on medication so it isn't going to make too much different hopefully and the exercise should really help.

Tonight is the first night.